I am dying on the inside looking at this.

It must be quite difficult to let go of someone who you’ve known for 50 or more years. Especially if that person has shared the most intimate memories with you. I know it’s more than just difficult. But at the same time, I don’t know how this feels. And I really don’t want to.

Is this what my widowed grandmother had to go through? I love her so much and to see her in pain brings the most wounded feeling to my heart.

My grandfather died 3 years ago. I don’t know how my grandmother went through the whole ideas of having him leave. But just imagining it and seeing the gifs above, I’m just overwhelmed with sadness.

I visited my grandmother last year in China. One day, she took my sister and I to where our grandfather’s ashes were buried, in a large tree/forest cemetery. I cried seeing his name engraved on a large epitaph along with a photo of him. Walking further into the cemetery, we reached the tree my grandfather’s ashes were buried- a y-shaped, tall, thin tree. We lit up incense and placed it in an alter for him. I don’t know what my grandmother was thinking as she said her prayers to him, but her heart must’ve been heavy.

Man, I’m going to go into a really long story, but whoever reads this, thank you. It’s a big part of my life.

My grandmother pulled out her old photo albums for my sister and me. Looking through those photos with her, I can tell how happy she was telling of her stories. She especially treasured the photos of her and my grandfather when they were young. She fell for his looks, his gentleness. He was her first and only love. How come relationships can’t be like that now? The simple, first and true love? I don’t understand…

What was my grandmother thinking as she was with my grandfather on his deathbed? Did she cry? Did she spill out all of her confessions? What was she feeling after he passed? I don’t know the answer to any of those questions, but at the same time, I do. I can feel her pain. Maybe not as intense, but I can feel the pain. The pain of losing someone.

I miss my grandfather. As I laid beside my grandmother at night, she’d tell me stories of how they first met. Their dates, their married life. It was so beautiful… such a fantasy. I could hear the quiver in her voice as she reminiscence into her past life, the life that gave her so much joy and happiness. She loved him so much. She misses him even more.

I want to see my grandmother again. Really soon. I want to be with her so badly right now. I can’t hold back these tears. She has no one to support her anymore. She lives alone. But I promised her. If she was still … there after I graduated college, I’d live with her. Forever. I’d never leave her. She’s the one who has my whole heart.

So what will happen to me. 80 years from now? How will it feel? I guess I’ll finally be able to answer my own questions. I’ll finally be able to know how my grandmother feels.

Not going to bed without dry eyes tonight. But it’s nice to have a good cry sometimes. Goodbye. 

(via thisismynowmarisa)